


The Apology

by Annehiggins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-29
Updated: 2012-10-29
Packaged: 2017-11-17 07:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annehiggins/pseuds/Annehiggins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's been told he's a selfish, self-righteous SOB a lot in the last few months. Now that Sam has his soul back, Dean explains himself to a star-filled sky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Apology

**Author's Note:**

> Posted to Live Journal with the following note: I've been puzzled by the Sam Soul plight and several anti-Dean remarks I've seen in episode comments. This story took off from there. IOW shameless stream of consciousness and some mild porn from an unashamed Deangal.

  
**The Apology**  
By Anne Higgins

Dean Winchester settled on the hood of the Impala, then broke the seal on a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels. Cost more than he normally paid for his poison of choice, but it was a special occasion. After all, wasn't every day a guy got his real brother back, slew a dragon and lost his angel. Okay, more like three days versus a single day, but close enough for government work and all that shit.

He took a long swig from the bottle, then looked up at the stars. He knew Heaven wasn't really up any more than Hell was down, but a guy needed to focus on something, so what the hell. So all alone with booze and a starry night. Check. Now, what did he say? "I'm figuring a prayer distracts you even when you don't answer, and I know I've done too much of that recently. So I'm just gonna talk and hope it drifts your way someday."

God, he hated this. Names taken in vain aside, Dean was hard pressed to say which he hated more – religious bullshit or chick-flick moments. And here he sat tumbling into something close to a nauseating mix of the two. Should have brought another bottle or six. "Thing is, Cas, I'm sorry I've been such a needy, whiny bitch." He stopped, no point in doing this if he was gonna lie.

"No, that's not right. Did what I always do – whatever it takes to help Sam. But there must have been a better way to handle it and I'm so fucking stupid I still can't see what it was." Life had taught Dean a long time ago he was nothing and no one gave a damn about what he wanted or needed. He'd tried hard to live with it. Usually succeeded unless Sam was involved, then he lost all sense of reason.

"See I've only ever had one real job – looking after my brother." Job? More like the only reason he existed, and yet, time and time again, Dean had fucked it up. Even when they were kids, Sam had made it clear his big brother lacked something – he'd run away even though he'd had to know what it would do to Dean, how their father would react when he found out Sam had disappeared on Dean's watch. Then he'd gone off to college and wouldn't even answer Dean's damned phone calls. And if he'd missed the significance there, he's sure as fuck gotten the message when they'd taken the field trip to Heaven and he'd not even rated a cameo appearance in Sam's favorite memories. Yeah, Dean must have screwed up big time, but he still didn't know how. "Anyway, it makes me a little crazy when he's in trouble. And not having a soul? That's trouble."

Dean could still hear Bobby's voice on the phone ripping him a new one for all his 'something is wrong with Sam' whining, for taking Bobby for granted. And he guessed he had, but he couldn't remember a time when he'd said no to Bobby. When he'd refused a job or failed to be there when the man needed him. Yet that was what Bobby had accused him of, so he'd missed something again. "Really creeps Bobby out having Sam around now, you know?" Dean could see a long road of 'it wasn't Sam' ahead of him, and he knew it was a further example of what a selfish shit he was that he kept remembering Bobby telling him to suck it up around RoboSam and wanting to tell Bobby to follow his own advice. But he wouldn't. Instead he'd take on the all too familiar role of buffer between father-figure and brother. At least this time there wouldn't be as much fucking yelling.

"Sorry, wandering off topic here," he said, holding up the bottle to show he'd drank close to a third of it. "Okay, so the thing is I get that you're busy. And how important the whole war in Heaven thing is. But, Cas, Sammy had been down there for 150 years."

Dean knew his own time in Hell had proved what a weak, worthless pile of crap he was. If he'd had any doubts about it, finding out Dad hadn't broken in 100 years of torture pretty much ended them. Dean hadn't even lasted half the time. But everyone going on and on about Sam coming out insane had both confused and terrified him. Even Alistair had run out of new and creative tortures for Dean after ten years, forcing him to revisit old favorites over and over again. What worse could anyone have done to Sam? Sure Michael and Lucifer had more power than his own tormentor, but even sadistic creativity had its limits. Must have been the amount of time. Or not having the nightly offer of getting off the rack to provide a horrific scrap of control over his fate. Maybe insanity became the only escape? "And I know you're a good guy, but I only had my lifetime to get Sam whole again." After that? Could even Cas remember a single lost soul after centuries of cosmic warfare? "I couldn't take the chance. …"

He trailed off, knowing he was lying again. His eyes started burning and his vision blurred. Waterworks. Freaking perfect. Hated how easily he cried. Tried not thinking or talking about shit like this to keep the tears away, but he always seemed to end up weeping like a five-year old. "I would have had to kill him, Cas," he whispered, swiping angrily at the tears. No one had dared voice it until Cas had snarled it at him after he'd had the angel check out re-souled Sam, but Dean had known the moment Cas had told him Sam's soul was missing that he either had to get it back and fast or Dean would have to kill him before he killed someone for something stupid like preferring Big Macs to Quarter Pounders. "Think my life is pretty much a freaking testament to the fact that I'll do anything for Sammy but that."

As if Souless Boy would have left him with a choice. He'd have had to put RoboSam down like a rabid dog, then he'd have eaten a bullet because he couldn't have lived with it. All of which would have left Sam's soul playing chew toy for a couple of dicks with wings. Dean knew he deserved an eternity in the Pit, but Sam? No, Sam deserved Heaven and all the Dean-free good times he could remember. "So that's where I was coming from. Not a big surprise, yeah? All about Sammy's sort of my theme song and if I couldn't let him go back when he first died and was heaven-bound I sure as fuck couldn't do it when I knew he was rotting in Hell."

Didn't mean he had to be a dick about it. Sure, Cas should have expected all of it, but given Dean was the 'people' part of their duo, Dean should have found some measure of people skills to beg nicely. Except no one had ever done anything for him so he'd done the only thing he could think of – he'd snarled, and bitched, and shouted until he'd gotten what he'd wanted. Only Cas hadn't done it. Death had.

Dean flushed. He'd never needed to bug Cas at all. If he'd been smarter, planned better, he could have left Cas to fight his war in peace. "If it makes you feel any better, Sam'll make me pay for it." No deals hanging over their heads, no looming Apocalypse, no anything to keep Sam with him and away from the normal life he'd always wanted. Dean wouldn't even fight him on it this time. Learned his lesson on drafting Sam into the family business a hundred times over. Besides, the wall Death had set up in Sam's mind would probably hold up better if Sam got himself a wife and a white picket fence. Thing was Dean had learned a few lessons about himself, too, and knew he wouldn't have a place in Sam's new life. He was a hunter and would be until the day it killed him.

"Guess you and Sam had a moment there yesterday. Been a long time since you and I've had one of those, and I know it's my freaking fault." Hearing about it had made him sad and angry, so he'd said a few harsh words about Cas, who maybe should have known better than to tell Sam any of the soulless shit that had happened, but what did Dean know? He was the jackass who always got things wrong.

The bottle had about a fourth of its contents left, but he let it fall from his hand anyway, not wanting to be holding it when he said the rest. "I did what I had to, Cas. And I'm not sorry about that, but, I wish I'd told you a few other things. Like I miss you so much some nights I can't breathe." Even when he'd shared a bed with Lisa, he'd wanted to call to Cas, to beg him to come to him and make the pain go away because, "I love you." He trembled at the sound of the words. Never said them to anyone before, but a part of him had fallen head over heels for the damned angel when he'd blown the doors off the fucking barn. Might as well admit to the stars what he'd always tried not to know. "And I wanted to beg you to stay with me after we lost Sam, but you vanished before I could get the words out." He shook his head. Pointless to say any of it then and now. Cas couldn't have stayed. Wouldn't even have come back at all if not for the Moses staff.

"Like I said, you suck at goodbyes. So, I'll do it. I'm sorry I fucked up and broke our … us." He let a sigh shudder through him, then got the last of it out, "Bye, Cas. Take care of yourself." He drew one knee up, rested his forehead against it and let himself cry.

"Hello, Dean."

He jerked his head up so fast, it knocked him off balance and he would have fallen off the hood and onto the broken whiskey bottle, but strong hands steadied him. "Cas?" he whispered and for a moment hope surged. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe Cas could forgive him? Then the reality of his life set in and he got it. He'd fucked up enough the angel must want a face-to-face apology. Or the satisfaction of telling him off one last time.

"Say it again," Cas said, confirming his fears.

God, it hurt so much. Blinded by tears, he couldn't see Cas' face, and he blinked furiously wanting to look at him one last time. "I'm sorry … so sorry. I. …"

Cas' hands shifted from Dean's arms to cup his face. "We have both been far too short-tempered with one another of late, but your regrets are not the words I wish repeated."

At the more intimate touch, the alcohol seemed to vanish from Dean's system – probably had given Cas was involved -- and his tears let up enough for him to see not smug satisfaction in those beautiful blue eyes, but hope. His voice quavered, but knowing he wouldn't get another chance, he embraced his own hope and whispered, "I missed you, and I love you. So damn much."

"As I do you," Cas said, then drew him into a kiss.

The hands shifted again, encircling Dean and pulling him close enough he ended up wrapping his legs around Cas' hips. The kiss continued and deepened, while something stirred within Dean. Like something lost and alone coming alive again. "What is that?" he whispered as Cas began nuzzling his neck.

"My grace and your soul are joined. One will always reach for the other." His lips brushed against Dean's cheeks chasing away the sting of salt as easily as he'd banished the alcohol.

He moaned softly, arching against his angel. "That what you meant by our 'profound bond?'"

"That is one way to refer to it. A soul-deep love would be another," he answered, then recaptured Dean's mouth.

Damn, Cas had announced they were in love right in front of RoboSam and Dean had missed it. "I'm an idiot," he muttered when his lips were freed.

"I will not argue the point in this particular case, but we have both made mistakes and I see no point in dwelling on them," he answered, and to make certain he got his way, he mojoed Dean's clothes away.

Bare ass on metal, Dean hissed at the sudden cold, his groin pushing up against Cas'. "Warn a guy next time," he gasped, squirming a little at the weird sensation in his ass beyond the initial shock. Apparently Cas could do more than fast track the nudity. Damned presumptuous angel, he thought, but signaled his approval by frowning and tugging at the lapels of Cas' ever-present coat.

"My apologies," Cas murmured, ridding himself of his own clothing with equal swiftness. "Do you wish me to take you somewhere more comfortable before we have intercourse?"

"Here's good," he groaned, trying to shift to get Cas inside of him.

A fond smile curved across Cas' face. "Always so impatient, my love." And God, Dean loved the sound of that. He loved the twist of hips and the hard flesh breeching him even more.

Their bodies merging sent a shudder of … relief through him, and Dean understood. He'd been waiting for this for more than three years and he'd not handled the lack of it well. And not even getting to talk to Cas much over the last year and a half had made it even worse. "I'm sorry," he moaned, clutching at Cas' shoulders, trying to stay firmly on the hood while his body wanted to writhe with an abandon certain to send him tumbling. "Cas, I-"

"Hush, I have you." Cas pulled him off the car, holding him easily without the slightest support and impaling him so deeply it drove Dean wild. He bucked and ground down on the hardness inside him all while safe in his angel's arms. Felt positively … sinful. The thought made Dean come with a loud shout.

Arms endowed with celestial strength tightened around him as Cas' shuddered through his own release, but didn't so much as bruise him. Dean had never felt so wanted, so safe, or so loved.

The blink of an eye later and he found himself stretched out on the hood again, this time in Cas' arms. The angel had restored his own clothing, but left Dean naked except for a cocoon of Cas' coat and something even warmer he guessed were unseen wings.

"If I could, I would stay," Cas whispered. "Every day for the rest of your life." He kissed Dean gently to soften the words. "But my duty will not allow it."

Dean swallowed, missing him already. "You'll come when you can?"

"Yes." He pressed a kiss to Dean's forehead. "And we will have eternity together. I promise."

"We can do that? I thought humans and angels didn't mix in Heaven."

"You are mine, Dean. Nothing will keep us apart. Not even death."

Cas was his Heaven. Not some crappy corner of eternity filled with memories he would always know hadn't meant much to anyone else. "That's good," he murmured, ducking his head to hide the return of the damned waterworks.

The angel didn't comment on the tears slowly soaking his suit jacket, but he managed to hold Dean even closer. "I love you," Cas said, "and I, too, must apologize. Both for my abrupt departure after the final battle with Lucifer and my own impatience in the last few months."

Dean shifted enough to brush his lips against Cas' neck. "You've had a lot on your plate and having a clueless dick for a boyfriend didn't help."

Cas squeezed him tight enough for Dean to make a sound uncomfortably close to a squeak. "As ever you judge yourself too harshly," he scolded. "Yes, you try my patience with some frequency, but you also give me great joy. If you can believe nothing else, trust in this – my love for you is unconditional and eternal."

"So I can't mess it up?"

"No."

"Thank God," he whispered, for once meaning it. He flushed, feeling like a tool saying something like that to Cas, but he got another hug.

"I understand the sentiment, Dean. There is no need to worry or fear you have caused me pain."

He couldn't figure out what he'd done to deserve this, but for once he could happily embrace the mystery, and he snuggled even closer. But he noticed a slight tension in Cas' body, and guessed what it meant. He suppressed a sigh. "You have to leave, don't you?"

Cas did sigh. "I have a few more minutes. I am sorry."

"Okay, we need a few ground rules here," he said, rising up on one elbow and looking down at Cas.

"I'm listening."

"I'm done bitching about you leaving and you're done with the apologizing about it," he said, knowing that sort of fell more under the 'do our best' category than a sure thing. "But I want two things before you wing off."

"And those are?"

"A goodbye kiss and I will end you if you leave me bare-assed naked out in the middle of nowhere."

Cas laughed and rolled them so Dean was under him again, but did the cheating with mojo thing so they didn't move from the center of the hood. "I promise."

"Hmm, maybe we should spend the rest of our minutes kissing goodbye. You know, for practice."

"As wise as you are beautiful." Cas smiled, then didn't so much as kiss Dean as cherish him with each touch. And damnit if he kept that up, Dean was never going to stop with the crying.

Cas drew back. "I will return as soon as I can," he promised.

"'kay. I'll miss you."

He pressed one last kiss to Dean's lips. "Goodbye, my love," he said, then disappeared in the same instant Dean's clothes reappeared.

Without the warmth of his angel, Dean knew it would soon feel to cold to stay out much longer, but he didn't move for a few minutes. Instead he looked up at the stars with a smile on his face. He didn't know how long the war in Heaven would last, and given their lives, something else was bound to come along after that. And if anyone thought they wouldn't managed to piss each other off within a week, well, they hadn't been paying attention. But Dean had something now he hadn't when he'd driven out here with nothing more than a bottle and regret to keep him company. Now, he knew he had a profound bond with an angel – an unbreakable one.

He shivered, then hopped off the hood. Time to check in with Sammy. Give Bobby a call in the morning to work on the fence mending. And maybe tomorrow night he'd find another place to park and talk to the stars. He opened the car door, but before he got in, he cast his gaze Heaven-ward. "Stay safe. Love you."

end


End file.
